The Importance of Being Goofy: Part III

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Bob Sehlinger, founder of the Unofficial Guides Series, shares with us his sense of humor in every Unofficial Guide. Today he delivers another installment of The Importance of Being Goofy, which has been a staple in The Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World over the years.

You see, what really makes writing about Walt Disney World fun is that the Disney people take everything so seriously. Day to day, they debate momentous decisions with far-ranging consequences: Will Pluto look silly in a silver cape? Have we gone too far with The Little Mermaid’s cleavage? With the nation’s drug problem, a constant concern, should we have a dwarf named Dopey? 

The Importance of Being Goofy

Unofficially, Bob thinks that having a sense of humor is important, and it’s probably necessary that you, too, pack a good dose of humor when visiting the parks, making sure you have the most fun possible at Walt Disney World. Today’s installment of The Importance of Being Goofy features a call between Disney Head of Quality Control Ernie Philpott and Operations Vice President George Hickenflöoper. So here we go…

“Um, George, some guy in a striped cape and a red bodysuit with his drawers on the outside just came in and started pulling pages out of our procedural manuals. He’s screwing everything up. I notified security, but when I described him, they said they couldn’t help. Help!”

“Hey Ernie, does he have a big orange letter C on his chest?”
“Yes. Well, actually, he has a big orange TC on his chest.” 

“Hmmm—not ringing a bell. Ask him what the T is for.”
“He says the T is for The.”
“Oh, OK, that guy . . . he’s THE COMPLICATOR! He can’t fly or see through walls with X-ray vision, but he does have a superhuman ability to totally complicate the simplest thing. Yesterday he changed all the bus routes for the Disney resorts, and now the drivers are getting seriously lost. One driver just called in all the way from Chumuckla, saying he couldn’t find Old Key West Resort.” 

“Yikes, that’s almost in Alabama!” Ernie exclaims. “Wait a minute, I’ve heard of him—isn’t he the guy who turned the original Fastpass system into an unfathomable quagmire of complexity?” 

“Yep, that’s the one. Say, ‘unfathomable quagmire of complexity’ is a dynamite turn of phrase! I think it could win a Spiro Agnew Award. Remember ‘nattering nabobs of negativism?’ ” 

“Way before my time, George, and I don’t care about any awards— I just want him out of here! Right now he’s changing the locks on all our doors to 10-number combinations. Oh, no, now he’s replacing our phone operator with a recorded menu. . . .” 

Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed—now we have some! All calls will now be put on hold and answered in the order specified by a random number generator. For reggae hold music, press 1. For torch-song hold music, press 2. For all other genres of music, please call Gatorland. 

“Amazing. But listen, if you don’t like what TC is doing, you can file an appeal,” George offers. 

“Great! How do I do that?” “Well . . . it’s complicated.”

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